Why has this happened? Many of you may think this is proof that I am a bad mother - that I am obviously not available enough to my kids or maybe you may think that they are not my top priority. Don't worry - these are all questions I have had to ask myself.
Here is what I say. I am me. Plain and simply ~ I am a mother, a wife, a physician and owner of two kids clothing lines - which also makes me a partner and a boss. I have thought long and hard about what this all means for me and for my family. I have sacrificed time away from my family so that I can provide them with certain luxuries - a nice home, stability, college savings plans.
I went to school for just about a million years to become an ER doctor. I am proud of my role as a doctor. My patients seem to like me and I feel that I am a caring, compassionate doctor. I only hope that my nights kissing my boys goodnight as I walk out the door will someday be regarded with pride by my boys as well.
I hope that someday they will realise that this has not been easy for me - as I know that this has not been easy for them. I am sorry, Max, for missing your Christmas production 2 years ago. I regret not being there for Keirnan's first step. It is hard every single time I have to kiss you goodnight to go to work. Even if Grandma has trained you to cutely say, "double glove, mom and save lots of lives." Keirnan has learned to say - "How was your work? Are you here now? Did you give lots of shots?" And this is in the morning - as I come home from work and he is just waking up. All at the age of 2 - he is already aware that I am not always home. I am sorry boys for this. I know I am not always the best mom.
I am tremendously, incredibly blessed and lucky that I have a wonderful husband and mother in law to play mom (or I should say 'Grandma' when I am not around to do so). I have justified not being home by saying - at least my kids get this time with their grandma - at least they will have these great special memories of their time with her. This is how I justify my actions, my selfishness with my time - my time to work in the ER and to work on Ooh La La Mama and of course to twitter, to blog and to answer emails.
I feel fortunate that my husband supports me in my various jobs and positions. No - he is not a SAHM - he is my business partner in Ooh La La Mama and also is a full time ER doctor. But, I am sure, he does not worry about his absence from home. He is the man. I love him madly but I know this is still the way of the world. We are fortunate that 'Grandma' (my hubby's mom - who is totally awesome by the way) is young enough and fit enough to juggle to young boys and to be the second mom, or substitute mom maybe? - while I am away at work.
So - not sure where I stand on all this. A bit bummed about being called 'Grandma' but still proud of who I am. Envious of my SAHM friends - who have managed to figure it all out. My hat is off to all of them and all of you who are SAHM and whose children call them "Mom." You guys are my heroines and I am madly jealous of the times you have with your little ones and all of the "firsts" that I am missing.
Max and Keirnan - I love you both insanely and with every single breath I take.
That's it for now. Off to shower and get ready for another crazy night of ER fun. So I am off to start my usual routine: coffee, shower, throw scrubs on and kiss my little munchkin's goodnight while they cuddle up with grandma and to "cozy time" and watch Wow Wow Wubsy and The Goodnight Show. This is the saddest part of my day - but there are really patients that depend on me and who knows - maybe even lives to be saved tonight. But really - I am just hoping for some cute little babies with minor colds. And for all of you moms who take your cute little ones into the ER - just know that when the crazy ER doctor stops and asks your little munchkin for a hug - and you might think that he or she is hugging just a bit too long - or if you think you catch a bit of sadness in their smile - just know - that you are right and that they might just be wishing that this was their little one and please just smile back.